Bye Bye 2019

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I remember last New Years Eve we were about to go into 2019, I was at a house party and although I was laughing and drinking I was sinking with every sip I took. I was trying so desperately to get a grasp on what I was feeling just now while writing this and for some reason all I remember is feeling like I was drowning, truly. I felt like I was dead walking around like a zombie. Cheesy I know but it’s true. 2019 held so much it held brokenness, hurt, healing, growing, and so much more. I was in such a different place this past year on New Years Eve, wow. I can’t even fully put into words the true shift in me and my life but I’m going to try. I seriously went to bed crying last New Years Eve thinking I was never gonna feel anything more than that feeling. Right now I’m sitting typing this next to some of my closest friends and I’m one hundred percent sober and I feel so unbelievably grateful because that the girl who was crying herself  to sleep last year is walking into the New Year feeling fully alive and blessed, blessed to know that there was more than that. That the pain and brokenness I was in wasn’t everlasting it was temporary. Clearly that’s what that means LOL. But it’s so surreal right now for me to be typing this and looking around the room and reviewing this year as a whole. It’s so crazy. God is really out here leaving the 99 for the ONE. Wheww. He is so unbelievably good. 

At the beginning of 2019, I experienced losing myself in a painful relationship that lead to a really hard breakup. I experienced loss. Loss of a personal kind, loss of what I thought was my identity, loss of family relationships, loss of friends. I experienced more anxiety and depression than I had ever dealt with before. My relationship with my mom was not great at that time. My living situation was strange because I had lived with my boyfriend practically our whole two year relationship and then when we broke up I was crushed. My mental health like I said was at an all time low, it also didn’t help that I also lost my friends simultaneously all at once. I thought there was no way I was coming back from that at all. I had absolutely nothing. I felt like nothing. I didn’t recognize the girl standing in the mirror looking back at me. I was truly broken. But the amazing thing is that through all of that God was still guiding me and protecting me. The only friend that stayed during all of that was Becca, she truly partitioned for me every chance she got and she ended up  inviting me to a sisterhood retreat. When I first heard about it I wasn’t sure what to expect and to be honest I wasn’t going to go. I was terrified, absolutely terrified to be the “messed up” one around all of the “perfect” people I was going to meet. Not how that went at all, no one pretended to be perfect. I met the most amazing people and I met Jesus all over again. I ended up giving my life to Christ that very weekend. I experienced a lot of healing and growing. A lot of learning and a whole lot of finding trust in God. 2019 was a roller coaster. 

Not for nothing but I feel like there’s so much, almost too much and all at the same time almost not enough that I could say but i’ll tell you truly the two words that affected me the most this past year. Grace and love. It is actually why I’m sitting here typing this. Purley the reckless pursuit of love and grace that God allowed me to experience. It’s what I’ve found myself reflecting on the most. The love I’ve felt from God, that love is limitless. It’s the most unique love I’ll ever encounter. That love recklessly pursued me even when I said no thank you. That love found me and fought for me. That love caused my walls to come crashing down and it caused me to see truly that the ending I thought was in store for me was actually the furthest thing from the truth. Heaven came to fight for me and showed me what it was like to finally be able to breathe again. To be whole again. It also lead me to the love of a church and the amazing people inside it who altered my view of what friendships really are meant to be. I experienced such a love all around that blew me away, it definitely was an adjustment but I loved learning what it meant to be loved in such a true way and also what it looked like to love people fully. I have these amazing people in my life that I now consider family and amazing churches that have taught me so much. I experienced undeniable grace that goes hand in hand with the love I experienced because if God hadn’t loved me the way He does I wouldn’t know grace. I wouldn’t know that God loved us so much that He sent His only son, Jesus, to make the ultimate sacrifice for each and every single one of us. I wouldn’t know what it meant to be forgiven and walking forward from the past instead of being stuck in it. I got a second chance, a first chance at life with God. I learned who I was and who I wasn’t. I am not my past and I have a true purpose. You do too. I am not the girl who is still broken, I am the girl who walked through all of it, still stomped the devil out, and came out healed. I experienced mourning who I thought I was and celebrating who I really am. I learned that healing is a process and that it doesn’t happen overnight. I experienced so many tears. Sad tears, happy tears, and angry tears. I experienced being baptized and truly letting go and letting God guide me. I experienced moving into my own home, and the struggles of paying for pillows that are way overpriced. There’s so much that my mind is reflecting through as I say goodbye to 2019. Somehow through the struggles of 2019 I still think the last eight months of 2019 were some of the most amazing times. I’m thankful for everything that happened in 2019 because it led me to where I am today and I’d do it a million times over if it meant knowing God’s love the way I do. Every single struggle taught me that. Expectant to see what 2020 will bring.

God Is Good All The Time

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